So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
