imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
