I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
