FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
