youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
