I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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