just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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