Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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