Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So gin and wine won't be happening again
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
