ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
