my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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