Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
