the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
