Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
