my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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