hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
