my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
