Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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