I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
