I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
