Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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