i already hear my dad disowning me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
