Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
