Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
