Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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