this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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