I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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