Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
