everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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