you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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