I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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