just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
