i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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