if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
