So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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