i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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