At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
