I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
