just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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