i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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