I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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