it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
