For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
