ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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