Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
