I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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