good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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