seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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