My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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