I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
