Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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